(Not) Beyond repair

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(Not) Beyond repair

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By: poesu ~ View Artworks

Artist's Comments:

Took me a year of procrastination and internal turmoil to complete this.

I thought I wouldn't stop drawing so consistently like I started in 2022 when I pushed through, then severe, depression. I wanted to internally protest the rising fascism by rejoicing in art and beating the odds of disenfranchisement with it. And, well, earn a living — as a queer disabled person. It helped. I was drawing every month when previously I was lucky to get a piece done in a year. It was fun, joyful. Hopeful. But something broke along the way.

Yes, from the get go I wanted a portfolio. I don't know what happened. I just got so focused on it, it had to be perfect, it had to be diverse, it had to be vast, had to be this, this and that. I stopped having fun. I thought about money day and night. Maybe I'd better off having a "normal" job, I thought, and it battered me every day.

I decided to challenge myself: stop thinking about getting a job and just draw everyday for a year. If at the end of the year I fail, then I go apply for a job.

I did. It was obvious after a few months. So yeah, I got a "normal" job. I now find myself playing games all day that I wasn't capable of doing before. Sure, I don't get paid much, but I do earn money. I don't feel guilty enjoying life any more. Don't feel obligated. Not to even draw… Wait, what?

I thought money is what kills the joy. But I enjoy my "normal" job that guarantees me fresh air and exercise every day.

No, it's not the money per se. It's the pressure to compete, to outperform other artists that I can't keep up with, to chime in before the "hype" is gone. Looking at what I draw, I don't see how I could achieve that. All I see are the mistakes, the wrong proportions, legs too long, girl on the left too far away from the other two, dresses too dark (they're supposed to be white, but there's no way to have enough contrast because of the blank background and my "signature" white outline). What else? Oh, and the faces probably don't convey the right emotion. I can't fix those major mistakes, they are beyond repair.

Maybe it is beyond repair, but I'm not. It needs to see the world. It needs to go out and shine and begin a new chapter for me. A chapter where I no longer compete and rejoice in the thing I love the most instead.

See work in progress on my site: https://poesu.neocities.org/#kpdh_2026-09-18

Submitted: Autumn, 21 Sep 2026 @628
File Size: 2.72MB
Resolution: 1286x2048
Views: 56
Favorities: 0 View Who Favorited
Keywords: kpopdemonhunters watercolor

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